Should an uncle or aunt discipline their niece or nephew?

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Dana Gutkowski

I am the mother of none, but the very proud Aunt to four beautiful children. I did absolutely no work to create them, but I will do everything in my power to help raise them.

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Have you ever seen a parent to your niece or nephew do something that makes you want to scream?

Do you find yourself biting your tongue and holding back judgmental comments when you’re in disagreement with their parenting styles?

You’re not alone, most have been in your position at least once. It’s difficult for Aunts and Uncles to hold back when we’re in disagreement with the parents of nieces and nephews. But you know what else it is? Necessary.

There are very few times when I’ll chime in and “parent” my nieces or nephews in front of their parents. Most of the time, it’s up to the parent to set the rules, impose punishment, and reward good behaviors. It’s called parenting.

Aunt or Uncle defines your familial relationship to your niece or nephew. They are the son or daughter to your sibling and your title is their Aunt or Uncle. However, your title doesn’t explain the role you play in their lives.

How close of a relationship do you have with them? Do you see them regularly? Participate in their lives consistently? Or do you barely know them? And maybe only see them on holidays?

In some families, Aunts and Uncles have a distant relationship and they’re more so friends of the family. In others, they’re viewed as second parents to their nieces and nephews. Every family is different. There is no such thing as the universal “right way to be”. Whatever works for your family is the right way to be for you.

The closer your relationship, the more say you may have in their lives. However, no matter what your role is with your nieces and nephews, there are times when it’s completely justified to discipline them.

When it’s OK for Aunts and Uncles to discipline your nieces and nephews:

Much like the approach babysitters should take, all disciplinary tactics should be discussed with their parents beforehand. Yes, you have to maintain boundaries for your nieces and nephews, but you also have to respect their parents.

For the purposes of this post, discipline means correcting behavior with time outs, immediate takeaways, and verbal reprimands. Anything outside of this is crossing a line and overstepping your authority. The brunt of discipline is enforced by parents, but there are times when Aunts and Uncles have to step in.

It’s okay to discipline your niece or nephew when they’re in your house.

If they’re in your house, they’re under your rules. Children need boundaries no matter where they are and adults need to be the ones to set them.

There might be certain things that you don’t want them to play with. Or perhaps there’s a room that you don’t want them to wander into. And maybe they’re playing with things that are “off limits”. No matter the case, if it’s your house, you have the right to correct their behavior.

It’s okay to discipline your niece or nephew when they’re under your care.

If you’re babysitting your niece or nephew, they’re under your care. That means that you are the responsible adult who has to ensure their safety at all times. If they’re doing something that seems dangerous or that you feel uncomfortable with, it’s your responsibility to say no even if it makes them upset.

Your goal isn’t to upset them, but sometimes it happens nonetheless. It’s the lesser of two evils to deal with a crying child who didn’t get their way rather than a child who was physically hurt.

It’s okay to discipline your niece or nephew if you disagree with their behavior.

Even if their parents are in the room, you may find yourself outraged by their behavior. Sometimes parents are just spent and fed up. It happens. Parenting overload may take over and they just don’t have the time or energy to fight back or reprimand their children.

If you see this happening, it’s okay to chime in for the sake of the parent – but it shouldn’t happen too often.

It’s difficult to see a child sass their parent, but it’s important for them to work it out together. When you do choose to say something, your words will be more impactful because they’re not used to hearing from you. So if Auntie or Uncle are saying something, they must really be doing something wrong. Children will become tone deaf and desensitized to your words if your first response is to always yell.

It’s important to step back and remember their biological age before you start reprimanding them.

They don’t necessarily know the severity of their words all the time so it isn’t fair to hold them to the standards of adults who should “know better”. They’re learning about boundaries and that means pushing them to see how far they can go. Keep that in mind.

Read more from my post How To Handle Your Sassy Tween Niece

The role of an Aunt or Uncle is defined within your family dynamics. However, at your utmost potential, you have the ability to be one of the most supportive family members. Disciplining your nieces and nephews is part of that support. Should you be in a position when you have to discipline your niece or nephew, it should not be kept a secret. The parents should be aware of how you are interacting with their children, no matter if it’s good or bad.

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